good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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