That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
