I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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