I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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