Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
