70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
