they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Randomize
