i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
