so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
