wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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