he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
