There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
