party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
