you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
