I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize