So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
