Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
