When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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