The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
