im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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