If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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