my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
