that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
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They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
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I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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