After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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