SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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