Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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