I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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