I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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