i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This is my gift to your gina
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
