Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
