Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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