Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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