i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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