My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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