When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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