How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
