I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
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Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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