On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
