the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
