Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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