Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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