That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
