Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
