I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
