This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
