loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Randomize
