new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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