I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
