I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
