dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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