i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
