i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
FUCK WHALES
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