you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
