My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Randomize
