i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
