Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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