Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
