dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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