Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
