I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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