you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
